Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Me Time

I've sort of been blog surfing tonight and it made me wonder why so many of us choose this as a form of release. Is it emotional? For satisfaction? I suppose probably a little bit of both. Some people are brave enough to do this as a means of staying in contact with their families. I'm not sure I could let anybody I know IRL into this corner of me. Not that I'm complicated, or hiding anything...I'm just not sure I'm ready for anybody to know ALL of me.

Talking about things here frees up my head for "dealing" with every day life. I can come here and dump and then get up the next morning feeling refreshed. Putting some of this out into the cosmos makes room for new stuff to come in, and lets me step back and look at what is really going on inside my head.

I don't think of myself as an outstanding writer. I do like to write, and I think most of the time I get my point across. And I don't mean this to sound as if I'm getting up on a high horse, but after blog surfing tonight I do wonder why some people write. Some can barely put together a cohesive paragraph and others type no more than a few sentences in each post. So, obviously blogging is not just for those of us who feel comfortable writing. It's more of a draw than just the writing. There is something else that sucks us in.

I wonder what I would do if my IRL friends ever found my blogs. I don't speak of them here, so in that respect I am safe. But I do put a lot of what makes me tick here. Would they be scared when they see the depth of my grief. Would they recognize parts of me within these pages? Or would the person here seem like a stranger to them?

I know that the blogs that keep me coming back are ones much like mine. Women (and men) who talk about their daily life. People who bare a little bit of their souls inside each new post. I like to see that I'm not the only one struggling...that I'm not the only one completely confused! So perhaps that is why we blog? To make the world a little bit smaller? To make our doorstep a little bit bigger? I'd like to think this common thread makes us all part of one great big subdivision.

It IS a small world after all.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Silently Screaming

I survived! Yeah me!

no, no, not my first day of school (although I managed to get out of that fairly unscathed, only 100 pages of reading for History and several problems for both my math classes all due Wed. What happened to the first day of class consisting of going over the syllabus and getting to know each other?!)

So, if it wasn't MY first day of school, you may ask, "Kelly, just WHAT did you survive?"

I survived the first day of Princess' 2nd year of Junior Cheer. I have to tell you what a great accomplishment this is. I still have a sour taste in my mouth from last year (translate that as coaches telling you to arrive 30 minutes prior to the game and then rolling in themselves about 15 minutes prior to the game, and oh did I mention their daughters were of course on the team so no matter how many of us were there we couldn't even do anything! and really that was just the tip of the iceburg).

This year started no different. On a whim last weekend I thought I'd check the website because we hadn't gotten a call from a coach about picking up uniforms or pictures. I saw on the website that uniforms were being handed out the next day (last monday) and just as I was getting ready to call the coordinator, she calls me (this is about 5 Sunday night mind you). Needless to say I'm not thrilled but she explains that she is waiting to hear from a couple moms and our team doesn't have a coach yet, but we'll get it all figured out. OK, I can live with that, but OH wait. Another mom (who's daughter is a friend of Princess and cheered with her last year) WE volunteered to coach the team this year. We figured it couldn't be any worse than what we put up with last year! So Monday as we are picking up uniforms we tell coordinator again, hey we're willing to coach. Oh no, that's OK, my daughter is going to do it. Hmm, interesting. I don't know how old her daughter is but probably early 20s and explain to me again why you wouldn't want to get parents involved?!

Now fast forward a few days to the fact that pictures were yesterday afternoon at 1. Nobody ever called us. Nope, so we showed up at the field and several of us were NONE to happy. Coordinator comes around and makes sure everybody knows who their coaches are, as there are team pictures after. Since we hadn't gotten a call I said "practices still going to be thurs & fri?" she turns around and says "no, Monday". To which I reply "as in TOMORROW" yep, 5:30. Now last year they were from 4-5 or 4:30-5:30 or something like that and they were in the gym at the intermediate school. Well, we decided that since the football players practiced outside, so should we so now we get to practice near where the rocket footballers practice.

So, we show up today at 5:30. Coordinator coach wasn't there and the other two coaches were just standing around letting the girls do nothing (one of the moms made a comment under her breath about how organized they were, and my response of "oh we did this last year and it doesn't get any better" really didn't help matters I suppose I should learn to just keep my mouth shut). GRRRR (keep telling yourself, it's only $50, it's only $50....you get what you pay for after all!). Coordinator arrives (about 10 minutes late) to a throng of mothers standing on the sidewalk and tries to dismiss us. Oh it's ok, you can leave, they're fine. Um, I don't think so! They opened cheer up to 1st & 2nd graders this year and I could just see the mother's of the younger ones processing this statement in their heads.....like she thinks I'm going to leave my child HERE alone! ROFL

Only one of the 3rd graders from last year came back to cheer this year and for some reason she wasn't there tonight. They split the teams into 3rd & 4th (well I guess now 1st-4th) and 5th & 6th. This means that NONE of the girls Princess cheered with last year are on her team this year. They did let her cheer with the older girls tonight since she knows all the cheers. The older girls ran through 4 of the really simple cheers and then broke up into small groups to help the new girls learn them too. I can't tell you how happy all of us were when 6:30 rolled around!

Tomorrow I have only one class, and it's just an orientation for my online class. It doesn't meet 'til 3 so I think Princess and I are heading out to paint some pottery and maybe order a great big pizza. (anything but a Happy Meal, anything but a Happy Meal, anything but a Happy Meal). You have to think positive!

Friday, August 24, 2007

And so it goes

Well, we hit the new school today and Princess got to see her classroom and got school pictures taken. That was about it because all the rooms were locked up and I had to cajole the secretary to at least show her the classroom so she would know where to go on her first day. She does have one friend (from cheerleading) that is in her grade, but we found out they won't be in with the same teacher. They were both disappointed, but honestly I think it will be for the best. This way princess will get to know all the other girls too and not just cling to the one.

What a shock going from the charter school system to a public school. She hardly needs any supplies. I might be going through shopping withdrawl! She still has a great set of Twistable crayons that are still good from last year, so she'll need new markers and only ONE spiral notebook and a couple of folders. That's it! Of course we ordered her pencils with her name on them, so at least she'll have some pretty pencils.

After pictures we headed out to Penney's to get a few more school clothes. I think she's all set, got two cute pairs of pants and an adorable denim skort. And of course we had to hit Build-a-Bear to get the mini armoire for the stupid happy meal build-a-bears. Just what we needed.

I am SO not ready for my school to start on Monday. I haven't even figured out what classes need 3-hole notebooks and which ones just need spirals. I should really get on that!

Now, being the good mommy that I am, I took my daughter to Michigan Adventure on Wednesday. And what a perfect day for it! There were storms in the morning and more forecast for later in the day. It's only a 45 minute drive so I figured we'd take our chances. We got there about 11:30 and the weather was gorgeous. Hardly anybody there. Spent a couple hours riding rides and then hit the water park 'til about 5. (and oops I got a little burnt!) We changed back into dry clothes, had some dinner and rode all the rides again. It's a small park, but well worth it. Three decent roller coasters, and it turns out my baby is a thrill seeker! I knew from her experience at Disney that she'd at least try them all. She liked them all and we rode her favorite one FOUR times. (I'm too old!) I convinced her a little after 7 that mommy was just too old for all this excitement and she agreed it was time to leave. I don't think we made it a mile from the park when we were scared to death by THE loudest thunder you have ever heard and then the downpour came. Talk about perfect timing :-)

Thursday we took the chairs from the dining room table and a bunch of sheets and made the coolest tent. Because, you know, High School Musical 2 was on Disney Channel again Thursday night. We spent most of the day just hanging out around the house. I made her pick up all the stuff in her room (which she accomplished by stomping around as hard as she could to make sure I could sense her displeasure). And seriously, she's only NINE!

I'm wondering if it will ever end!

and just so we're clear, that was rhetorical question because I do NOT need to hear the depressing answer!!

OK, ya know what, since I'm thinking about it, maybe I'll just go and get my backpack organized for Monday. And maybe on the way I'll find an excuse to go into the cupboard and notice the poor lonely hershey candy bar that's in there just waiting to be eaten!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Back to school...sort of

Start of school is just around the corner. You may think this is a good thing. Sadly, I have to go back to school before Princess does - and I can't say I'm too excited about it. I am, however THRILLED that princess is going back to school.

What the HECK did my parents do to entertain us all summer? OY! Since I'm heading back to school next Monday and the weather has been sort of dreary (translated it has been raining and overcast since Friday....although about 2 this afternoon the sun did start to shine a little) we planned a few indoor things to do this week to end summer with a bang.

Yesterday we went to the Air Zoo. It's about an hour from our house, and I was pleasantly surprised with our experience. It consisted of 2 buildings. The main building was a big hanger, with several old planes (including an SR-71) on display. Guided tours were offered (by what appeared to be WWII veterans, LOL) and those who took them seemed to be taking in all the tidbits of information being offered to them. There were even fighter flight simulators available, but Princess wanted none of that (which surprised me because after our Disney experience she seems to be a complete thrill seeker, no fear!). The second building had a mix of a museum feel, some more old planes, and displays with old uniforms and guns, etc.... and some cool hands on stuff. There was a spot where you could try to remotely steer a "mars rover". You were behind a wall and could only see what the rover could see. There was even a place that you could strap yourself in and with the help of a big old piece of machinery, feel like you were jumping on the moon. Princess tried it and thought it was just about the coolest thing ever! I truly thought she would be bored out of her mind, but she really had a great time. There was a 3-D movie about the last flight of a B-17 during WWII, it was short and I thought it was OK - but her majesty did not like it at all. And believe me, I had to hear all about it! Thankfully that was the only thing that didn't meet with her liking :-)

On the way home we stopped by Grandma's to show her the solar system model/mobile kit we had bought at the gift shop. I told mom since today was supposed to be another crappy day and considering I started school next week, I thought I better take Princess out and buy her a few nice new school clothes. She thought it was a great idea and offered to come along and foot the bill. Yeah Grandma! Princess got 1 pair of pants (she is SO picky! and the poor kid has wide hips like me so it is IMPOSSIBLE to find clothes that fit her) and 4 or 5 shirts and 2 pairs of shoes. I just love it when Grandma pays and we don't have to look at the price tag. I mean, she picked out a pair of black boots that were $45 and my mother let her have them! Is she crazy??

OK, have I mentioned Princess is starting a new school this year? Registration isn't until Friday (and did I mention I start school on Monday?), so I tried to call the school to find out what sort of supplies I needed to buy. I loved the charter school but, seriously, we had to buy a TON of supplies. I have no problem with this, but I don't want to go and buy our usual just to find out that she only needs half of it. So, I call the school and get a mesage that says "we're closed for the summer and will re-open on Tueday August 21". Since we were heading out shopping today I called the school this morning...and got the SAME message. Tried again after lunch, SAME message. Well, maybe they are setting up in the gym for registration and nobody is by the phone. So, we drove over there, just to check. Nope, all locked up. Now, I love princess, but sometimes that child gets on my nerves! We get back in the van and she looks at me and says, "so, what, I'm just going to show up on the first day of school without any supplies". Honestly, I wanted to reach over and smack her!

Through gritted teeth I explained to her that we would get a list at registration, as we had previously discussed and we would go for supplies next Tuesday since I don't have classes on Tuesdays or Thursdays. Like she is so deprived and so mistreated that we would send her back to school with no supplies. GRRR, she is NOT long for this world, I'm tellin' ya!

Some days motherhood is just not my thing, ya know?

Monday, August 20, 2007

I love crayons

Patrick is always one to find a fun test, so here we go

You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors.

You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself.

Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming.

Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships.

Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.

I can't say I agree with them, although I do tend to have strong reactions. Not a whole lot of grey in my life, it's either black or white in most cases. And green does tend to make my skin crawl! LOL

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Things I remember...

...that Princess does not

*Record Players (followed closely by 8-tracks and cassettes)
*Happy Meals with cookies
*Movies for 3 bucks
*Bike riding with no helmet
*Our first microwave
*Our first VCR (can you say Betamax?)
*Phones with a dial....and a cord
*The first graphing calculator
*ze plane, ze plane!
*The Electric Company (as in on PBS!)
*Ice out of the freezer, not out of the door
*News on TV...that actually included news
*clothes for little girls that included lace and bows and did not show any skin from the neck to the knee
*chosing between leaded and unleaded at the pump
*pulling the license plate down to put the gas in
*slicing and shredding my own cheese
*use the force Luke
*the cold war
*roller SKATES (don't forget skiis and surf boards, NOT snow boards!)
*our first disposable camera
*checking out at the grocery store, with a clerk punching in the price from the price tag
*the invasion of the hacky sack
*Doo Dads
*rabbit ears and tin foil
*Ruffles Works Chips
*13 cent stamps
*Our first computer
*no call waiting
*malibu barbie
*it ain't easy being green
*i'll spare you the details of the advances in the feminine hygeine area
*Making popcorn on the stove
*(heck she found a floppy disc the other day and asked me what it was!)
*needing a can opener to open cans
*pet rocks
*oh and how about those klakker things and lets not forget
....the first time around for troll dolls, care bears, rubiks cube and teenage mutant ninja turtles
*The magic kingdom without Epcot and MGM and Animal Kingdom
*coffee, nothing fancy just straight or decaf? cream or sugar?
*people smoking EVERYWHERE (EW!!!!)

*Danger Will Robinson
*New Coke

Sunday, August 12, 2007

I love her...but...

Oh my word! Did you ever just have one of those days? We came downstairs this morning to discover this high pitched whining noise in our living room. Let's see, we woke up at 9 and it's now after 6 (thankfully we were gone at Grandma's for a couple hours and princess has been outside playing for the last few hours while i tackled laundry) BUT we JUST figured out what it was!

It just kept whining. It sounded like a smoke detector or something that had a bad battery, so I thought perhaps it was something electrical gone awry. But, the catch was you could only hear it in the living room. Once you went a couple steps into any other room you couldn't hear it at all. Since the unit for the a/c is outside the living room window I thought maybe that might be it. Went outside, but couldn't hear it out there at all. Came back in and turned the a/c off just to double check. Still this annoying noise! Hmm, maybe it's the TV or DVD player or who knows what. Turned them ALL off, including the surge protectors just in case. STILL there! OY!

As luck would have it, I made princess clean off a mess of stuff she had left on the coffee table and in her keeper. She has THE cutest little pink carrying box that we keep in the living room for her to stash stuff in. You know how kids are, they want to play with stuff non-stop for several days. So, stuff comes down from her room and stays in her keeper box until it has run it's course and then gets put back up in the closet.

Anywho...I made her clean that out too AND there it was. An old Tamagotchi that still had a battery in it. I thought it was dead. When I dropped it in her box a few weeks ago, the screen was dead and silly me, I thought it was just, well, dead. It seems it was NOT. Oh my word. My ears feel so much better now!

As for Princess she is currently home for the 2nd weekend in a row. Come to find out (after much prodding) that last time she went camping with idiot and his even stupider (is that even a word?) wife, she had a tummy ache at bedtime (which happens FREQUENTLY with her irritable bowel syndrome....so this is nothing new - I just don't think it's ever bad enough that she says anything when she's with them). So her dad stepped up and layed with her 'til she fell asleep but of course the next morning this evil, evil woman that he is married to told her that she knew Princess was just doing it to get attention from her dad and it better not happen again. OY! If I thought it would do any good I'd have it out with idiot again, but honestly he just lies and says he'll talk to her about it and then he never does.

Of course Princess will be home next weekend too. And anybody out there who has a tween girl knows why. The much awaited High School Musical 2 comes on Friday night, and you KNOW we'll be parked in front of the TV with our popcorn and goobers!

We still have 2 more weeks before I go back to school and 3 more weeks before Princess goes back. She's almost getting excited about her new school. I think it helps that I told her I would try my hardest to get a job on this side of town so she could just keep going to the same school with the same friends until she graduates. 'Course by then maybe I'll be able to convince her to move across country...a girl can only dream :-)

Saturday, August 04, 2007


It was a big day at our house. Princess stayed home for the weekend and since she has been begging me for a sleepover I told her I'd think about it if we spent this weekend getting the house ready for company. Now, understand when I say ready for company means pretty much digging out every room in the house. I'm a pack rat. I make piles and since it's just the two of us the piles seem to appear everywhere. I mean, really, we only need two chairs at the dining room table and we only need PART of the table to eat....well, you get the picture. I figured we'd start with the basics before we moved on to digging through the piles and creating what looks to be bags and bags of trash. I had an epiphany last weekend and decided that I really do NOT need to hold on to all the things I think I need to hold on to.

I should mention here that Princess will be 10 in October, it's hard to believe she is so old already. Whenever we clean (which really isn't that often, shame on me!) she always asks if she can help with the mopping. Now, I came to two conclusions today. She's old enough to give it a shot and if it's not perfect, oh well, it's probably close enough. So, I let her handle mopping the kitchen floor. She moved everything out and set to mopping. When she was done with the initial mopping she said there were still some spots on the floor she couldn't get up with the mop so I gave her a little brush and a sponge and showed her how to do that. Then she came out and said she needed something to put her knees on because they were getting sore (LOL). I grabbed some rags and handed those over. Pretty soon she comes back out and tells me that she feels like Cinderella in that scene where she is scrubbing the floor on her hands and knees. I just had to laugh!

She did a good job. There were some spots I told her to get (like under the little cupboard overhang where you really can't get a mop under) that she didn't end up getting, but I made a big deal and gave her a big high five for working so hard. I know the next few times she does it, things will just be better and better. After all, it's just a learning curve, right?

While she was doing that I set to vaccuuming. Used the attachments and everything, vaccuumed under the heavy stuff that you hardly ever move. Used carpet fresh so it smells really good in here now. There's still a ton left to do, but heck we have all weekend.

About half an hour ago she called grandma and told her she was tired of spending all day with me and could grandma PLEASE come pick her up. I told her I'd be over in an hour, but figure if I take my time I can stretch that a little bit and nobody will know the difference.

Princess has been bugging me to take her to see Hairspray. AGAIN. She absolutely loved this movie. The old one (from the 80s with Ricki Lake) was on ABC family the other night and she watched the whole thing and every scene went something like "he's not as cute as the one in the movie we saw" "that's not what happened in the version we saw" "the girl we saw sang so much better". Just call her my own little movie critic.

Yesterday dad & I went to see the latest Bourne. I am not sure how so many people got out of work eary on a Friday afternoon. We caught the 3:00 showing and it was packed! (not every seat in the house packed, but given the time of day I was amazed at how many people were there). With one little plot exception that I am still mulling over, I LOVED the movie. Oh, and let's not forget the shaky camera work that gave me a headache. Maybe it was old age, but geesh, I understand he's on the run, does the camera have to bob up and down too? Could we leave it in focus for more than 5 minutes at a time? OK, enough complaining. If you're a Bourne fan, you will not be disappointed. I think this was the best of them all. You'll laugh, you'll be on the edge of your seat, you'll be yelling at the screen "you really SHOULD have listened to Jason because now that you didn't I won't feel bad when you end up dead!" At the end you will be on your feet cheering....sort of. And that's all I have to say on the matter. Go see this movie!

I guess I should go brush my hair and make myself presentable. The only place we've been today was the McDonald's drive through (and only because they have build-a-bears in the happy meals). I can't tell you the last time I let her eat at McDonald's (blecht). But, when you go through the drive through you really don't have to do your hair (or honestly wear pants, but I'm sort of a fan of wearing pants out in public). If I play my cards right I figure I can have dinner at Grandma's so I won't even have to cook today!

Friday, August 03, 2007

It was my 5th

and it was so many years ago. A dear friend reminded me of a post I did a long time ago, and well my apologies to all of you who have already read it a million times, but it's the mood I'm in today, so here it is - posted in it's entirety

Saturday, November 13, 2004

I'm feeling my age today. Okay, so 37 isn't that old, but after a day of chasing 7 year olds I feel like I just want to close my eyes and let Calgon take me away. My Princess slept over at her best friends house last night. I got the call about 9:30 this morning.... "mom, we want to go roller blading today". So after talking to Moho's (mind of her own's) mom, it was decided that I would pick the girls up at noon, take them to lunch, then to skating and return Moho about 4:15 after skating was done. What was I thinking?! Now my princess and her best friend get along for one very important reason - none of their other friends have the patience to put up with either one of them. Not to say they don't have other friends. Suprisingly they are both quite popular, it's just their other little girlfriends seem to get bossed around a lot.

Mine suffers from "only child syndrome". Moho suffers from "middle child syndrome". They are equally matched in a battle of the wills, and depending on the day one or the other of them is bound to break out in bouts of crying over not getting her own way. Today it was my princess that was the emotional wreck, and by the time we made it safely back to our house, she collapsed on the couch, snuggled up with her bear and asked for a movie. I put in Cinderella Story (which after 1/2 hour she insisted she didn't want to watch any more and then launched into a new tantrum when i told her it was too late to change her mind.... >sigh<).

So, I am tired not only from the rollerblading (3 hours UGH) but from working overtime in the mom department. Thankfully all princess wanted for dinner was a grilled cheese. I headed to the kitchen to get her highness food. This was where the rest of my night went awry.
The bread in my kitchen is next to the toaster. On the side of the toaster is a piece of construction paper, with the word toaster written in marker. I made that sign at least 5 years ago, when my son was in preschool and learning to read. We made signs for everything, microwave, light, bookshelf, stove.... Since he died the signs have come down. Princess has been reading for a while, so there is no need for them. No need for them, except this one: toaster. It's on the side of the toaster and usually facing the wall. Out of sight out of mind. Grief has a way of catching you sideways when you least expect it. How or why the toaster was sitting the other way on my shelf tonight I don't know. But I went to grab bread to make a grilled cheese and there was that piece of paper. Toaster. Briefly my mind went back to his little fingers touching and retouching letters and - I caught my breath and squeezed the tears out of my eyes and went back to cooking dinner.

But now princess is sound asleep, and I have time for me. Time to cry over the stupid toaster. Time to wish that instead of dealing with a stubborn spoiled only child that I was dealing with sibling rivalry and "mom he's touching me" and "mom she won't stay out of my room". How I grieve for the son I will never know. The nine year old who I'm sure would be too sensitive and too smart for his own good. I look around me and feel so blessed for all that I have. Yet nothing will ever patch this one empty hole in my life. And I would never want it to be patched, for this awful feeling, this feeling that takes my breath away from me, it is all that I have left of him...