an Essay

It's absurd, really, that I should count this as my favorite possession. My gut tells me that with all I've been through it should be something of Joshua's that is my favorite...my most inspiring possession. Perhaps his blanky or his favorite pillow should be counted as my favorite? I do cherish them. They are as much a part of me as anything in this house. And I suppose if the house were to catch fire I would rescue them before I rescued my favorite thing. The one that tugs at my heart and reminds me of so many things.

Absurd! The word just rings with the contradiction of it all. That I should truly count this as my favorite is absurd. For this little piece of my past came from an amusement park (Cedar Point). Of all places! We went as a church group and I brought along my best friend from high school. I have a picture of us. You know the type, the black and white ones where you dress up as saloon girls and turn over half the money in your purse. We had fun. I don't think I remember a day where I laughed so much.

I'm always amazed that it is still in one piece. It is so small and fragile. We moved a lot when I was young and once I moved out.....well I was not known for staying in one place (I can blame the Air Force for some of that, thank you!). Everytime I moved I just KNEW that would be the time, the move that finally broke it. The time that it would end up losing a wing or a leg. But it never did.

Now it sits in a place of honor in the china cabinet. On the shelf amongst Grace's Precious Moment and the clay bird's nest she made in 1st grade. Sadly it is collecting dust. Just because they are treasured possessions does NOT mean I keep them any cleaner than the rest of my house. When you dig under all the dust, though, this one sparkles. Or maybe just in my eyes because it nudges me and reminds me that life is...

Well, life is only what it is. Nothing lasts forever. I will not be the same person tomorrow as I was yesterday. But the person that I was yesterday (and 25 years ago) will always be a part of who I am now. That person who thought she knew it all, who had a lifetime ahead of her is still hidden somewhere. That's sort of a big message for such a little thing. Maybe that's why it inspires me.

It does double duty. Odd as it seems, a Pegasus was also our school mascot. (Hey! It was a college prep high school, so it's not like we had SPORTS teams - LOL). This way it reminds me of my past in a tangible way. And then it touches my heart in a way that nobody else ever knows.

(Wanting to be true to all of you I snapped the picture dust and all. Just so you could peek inside my messy life.)

I am so excited that Judith has brought back the Artsy Essay. You may play along by clicking HERE. If you don't want to write about it, you should STILL CLICK HERE and follow the links to read what the other entrants have written about. Because I can guarantee you that they are vastly superior to mine!

More Pie Please

So I'm sitting here eating strawberry pie. And it's really good pie, too. We have this little home grown (as in not a franchise!) burger joint. One of the few that has lasted amidst the McDonald's and Burger Kings of the world. This one happens to be conveniently located close to my house and makes some of the best french fries EVER. The best were made by another little home grown place that closed all it's locations while I was off in the Air Force.

But, I digress. They also make really great pie. Chocolate pie, lemon meringue and in the summer - Strawberry. You order it with lots of whipped cream and you can hardly wait to eat it. Do you eat the fries first? Or the pie? I was a good girl (and OK, can I really call myself good considering what I'm eating?) and ate my hamburger and fries and now I'm eating my delicious strawberry pie. My only complaint is they don't always cut the strawberries so sometime you stick in your fork and pull out this HUGE strawberry. I sort of like my pie to be bite sized at least :-) Overall, I can't complain though! It's also very important to have good crust to make a good pie. Typically I don't like anything but homemade (mom's of course because if you think I'd go through the process of making homemade crust.....HAH!!). But this passes the test and now I'm just stuffing my face. I could use more whipped cream now, though......

I didn't wake up til 11 (ah, it felt so good!) and I pushed lunch as long as I could, this is almost an early dinner. So now I can stuff myself and not be completely miserable at bedtime.

With princess off camping I have settled in to the homework routine. I'm almost ready to take my 3rd history test (have I mentioned that I love self paced classes?!). I can harly wait, in a week and a half classes will be over (my telecourse actually goes til the 20th, but I am planning on finishing them both at the same time so I can spend 2 1/2 weeks with my baby. We haven't had a whole lot of time to play this summer because of my schedule, so I'm fixin' to make up for that.

I gave my notice at work. I love my job and they understand that school comes first. There's no way I'll be able to work next semester and they have opened the door to me again to call whenever I have free time and if they have something for me to do they'll happily let me come and go for a few hours when I am able. I am going to miss being there every week! Dad is self-employed and says if I agree to do some clerical work for him he'll pay me what I'm making now and I can do it at night and whenever is convenient for my schedule. It'll be nice to still have a little pocket money, but working with my dad drives me over the edge sometimes.

I'm really glad there's nothing good on TV because I am slightly more motivated to get to studying for my finals.

Can't you see me running from my computer.....

......maybe in a few more minutes....

Creative

It's hard to keep the creative juices flowing when you are going to school full-time, working part-time and generally feeling guilty for missing your daughter's summer break. It's already the middle of July, half the summer is practically gone.

We have been to the beach a total of....once. I took her to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the IMAX (I'm thinkin' I get brownie points for that). We haven't gotten together with any of the friends that I want to see this summer. Haven't made it to Michigan Adventure (in my defense most of the days that I have had off have been TOO hot to go, does that save me at all?). But really we haven't done anything. Not even a memorable trip to the park or anything she can brag about to all her friends.....which come to think of it she hasn't seen this summer so I guess I really don't have to worry.

I'm still on the fence about which school to send her to. I'm 95% sure that she will be switching schools, but I haven't taken that final step and called our old school to tell them that she won't be back. That just seems to final. What if I want to change my mind? What if I am making the wrong decision? On top of that I haven't told the two moms that I carpool with that we for sure won't be going back. I guess that's my project for this week. At least telling the other moms gets me off the carpool hook. If I do decide to send her back I can always ask to be reinstated to the carpool or if they have found somebody else ( I can only dream) I can just drive her myself.

OK, are we all ready for my rant of the week? Yeah, I knew ya' would be. Here it is:

So, this week our city had an officer die on duty. The parents of the shooter (who was violating a restraining order, drunk and threatening to kill his estranged wife and two teen-aged sons) the parents of the shooter go to church with my parents. They are lovely people. I worked with his sister at the hospital (she's a nurse) and know her husband and kids, who are also lovely people.

But here's my problem. Days after this happened I was SHOCKED to see the parents of the shooter being interviewed in their home. SHOCKED. These are private people and from a generation that just would not do such a thing. I asked my mom if she had talked to them and why on earth they did this interview. She told me that they had finally agreed to give an exclusive interview to one of our local news channels because the media just wouldn't leave them alone. I am just so angry. The parents of the shot officer weren't interviewed. But I guess the grief of the shooter's parents isn't to be taken into consideration by the media. On top of that the media over and over gave the address where the shooting happened. Yeah, I'm sure that's just what the wife and kids need - people driving by gauking. As if they haven't gone through enough. Then there was the interview with the officers "girlfriend". I don't know what she was thinking or what the channel was thinking that broadcast it.

On the other hand the funeral service was covered live here all day Friday. It was done beautifully and the members of the media were on their best behavior. I guess they are human being deep down. Deep, deep, deep down!

Girls Rock!

See who nominated me and who I nominated

(you know CLICK!)

The film Hollywood forgot

For all of you who have tween girls (or maybe even boys if you can force them into going) in the house, I have great news! Hollywood finally made a movie that doesn't involve scantily clad teens, anything close to sexual innuendo and *gasp* only a few curse words. Yup, you guessed it:

Nancy Drew

I could hardly contain my delight as we watched the movie. Princess didn't move. She was completely lost in the story. It was edge of your seat suspense and I even caught her grabbing my arm a few times as Nancy ventured into dark passageways and was chased by bad guys. There was no blood, no violence (some violence was implied, like a bad guy getting whacked over the head with a shovel) but none of it was shown. Nancy's boyfriend came for a visit and they didn't even hold hands. (Ned did give Nancy a little kiss at the end of the movie, but it was a sweet little kiss).

I really cannot get over how wonderful this movie was. I was disappointed that there weren't more people in the theater. Granted we did see a 4:30 showing, but I'd be surprised if there were 20 people in the theater. Hollywood isn't going to make more movies like this if we don't pay to see 'em people!

Tomorrow I'm going to see Fantastic Four, but I'm sure it won't be anywhere near as family friendly.

The last time I enjoyed summer

The worst part about being back in school (or more the part of wanting to graduate sometime before Princess graduates - LOL) is that my summers are not my own. Friday is a half day of school for my little 3rd grader and then school's out for the summer.

For her.

Bring on another summer where I barely get to enjoy being a kid with my daughter. Once you take out the time I'm in school and the time I need to be at work (which is as little as possible in the summer) I'm barely going to see her again this summer.

Today was the end of the year field trip. Each grade has their own tradition and for 3rd grade it's a day at the beach. Somehow I got suckered into going. The thought of spending all day outside with almost 80 3rd graders. Tell me that doesn't sound like fun. It's almost a 40 minute ride to the beach and we were pulling in by 9. Yup, that's right, me stuck in a van with 5 nine year olds all before 9 am. Go me!! The day ended up being much better than I anticipated. We went to a park I had never been to before and it was incredible. A nice picnic area on this side of the sand dune with a play ground and lots of grass and trees and grills. The beach was huge and very well kept. I will certainly be taking a trip back in the middle of the summer when it's warm enough to swim.

I got to spend the day talking to some parents that I haven't seen all year. I've been so busy with my classes that I haven't done much in the way of school parties or field trips.

The kids all seemed to have fun. The weather was perfect. After an hour or so it warmed up enough that everybody stripped down to shorts and t-shirts and played their little hearts out. We had planned some "organized" games as a back-up just in case kids weren't having a good time. But they had no trouble amusing themselves all day. After fueling up on hot dogs for lunch most of them headed over to the beach side to dig in the sand and build sand castles. Because Wed afternoon is when the 3rd graders all have gym the gym teacher decided to show up and surprise them. He brought a couple footballs and had them all tackling him before he could even get all the way down to the beach.

Hard to believe that another school year has gone. It feels like a blink of an eye. As with any milestone I look back and wonder if I did the best I could. Are there things I could have done to make this year better for Princess? What should I do differently next year? What should I do the same? All I know for sure is we have grown another year together. Just the two of us. With the help of ever present Grandma and PaPa of course.

So, here's to summer. May yours be filled with lemonade and sunshine - and lots of butterfly kisses.

Who made it OK

Somewhere along the line it has become acceptable by society to expose our young children to more and more violence and sex and suggestive language. Just take a look around you, TV, movies, video games, heck even bill boards! you can't get away from it! I posted a few posts recently in my other blog (here and here) so forgive me if I am repeating myself but I am a so angry with the overwhelming amount of children who are getting cheated out of their childhood.

Let's start with Shrek. When it first came out Princess was too young to watch it, but now that Shrek the Third has hit theaters I knew that she would be hearing her friends at school talk about it and may ask to be taken to the theater to see it. So, I revisited the original Shrek (which I think is hysterical!) and came to the conclusion that this is not a children's movie. I mean come on, Eddie Murphy? You can't get through a scene in this movie without sexual innuendo or the old comic fall back "potty humor". I really don't need my young child hearing stuff she doesn't understand which she will be tempted to repeat. I never saw the 2nd in the Shrek series and I doubt I'll see this most recent one. I know Princess won't be allowed to until she's about 12!

Which brings me to (yes, you all knew it was coming) the latest installment of Pirates. I liked it better than the 2nd one (which dad and I walked out on). Again, this film was rated PG-13 and so easily could have been done in a way that it was PG. Although as far as I can tell the film rating people might as well just retire. Nobody cares what a film is rated any more. At least half the kids in the audience were under 10 (let alone the 13 that the film rating recommends). But somewhere along the way our society has decided that there is nothing that we can't expose our children to.

Do these kids really want to see these movies? Or is it that the parents want to see them and it's just easier to drag the kids along. The latest installment of Pirates was LONG (run time 170 minutes). What is wrong with kids today that one under the age of 7 can even sit still long enough to watch a movie this long? What are we doing to our society?

Personally I think that somewhere along the way we let moral absolutes go out the window and this has given us carte blanche to be lazy and parent by default. Do whatever is easiest and whatever makes you happiest. The kids will survive somehow.

Easily Frustrated

I haven't been in a great mood today. School was so boring it was painful. I almost feel asleep in my morning class and after lunch I had a test, (which he gave to us first and then had lecture the 2nd half, why couldn't he have gone the other way around so I could have left early??)

I am also incredibly tired of being a single parent. I don't know how I could have ever married a man who could so easily cast aside his responsibilities and just move on. I don't know how he can think that writing a piddly (and I do mean SMALL) check every month covers his responsibilities in the parenting department. I know this rant is pointless because the logic becomes circular. No, if this is the man he truly is, I don't want things to change. I do not want anything from somebody who is so self absorbed. I wouldn't trade a minute of the last 6 years, despite all the hard work.

It is just not fair that I have to be the grown up. Less than 2 years after our divorce he was remarried ( which was his 3rd "serious relationship" in that amount of time) to somebody he had been dating for less than 6 months. Since then they have moved into their 2nd house (always bigger and better) and bought a new camper, new truck, new motorcycles and now I hear they have a new boat. I am so furious I could just spit. OK, not furious. It just sucks that he gets to be a lousy human being and he gets to rake in the financial rewards.

I know, I could be working full time and leaving the raising of my child to day care. But when the kids were born we decided (well, ok, I guess I thought WE decided - maybe it was just ME decided) that there was nothing more important to me than "being there" and I have chosen to make the sacrifices that I have to ensure that for the most part I am here before school and after school and at all those fun school functions that every grade-schooler needs their parents at.

So there you have it. Today my life just totally feels like it sucks.

And Princess is going camping for the holiday weekend with her idiot father. Because, you know, he has a new boat and he told her she could drive it. Maybe he just knows he has to bribe her to get her to spend time with him.

Grandma is SUCH a bad influence

...and that goes for Grandpa too. They have corrupted my darling daughter! First it was my mother getting her addicted to annoying shows like Deal or No Deal and Identity. (Why? WHY?!!) and now it's my dad! It seems there was a time when Grandpa was left in charge of babysitting and he introduced my daughter to another annoying show.

So, here I sit. Humoring my daughter...because I can't come up with a reason NOT to let her watch it.

Ninja Warrior

Seriously, I can't find anything wrong with it, aside from the fact that I can't figure out WHY we're watching it.

Where did my child develop this strange taste in entertainment?

On an "up" note she picked this week to finally take a liking to some movies that I like. We watched Spiderman, Spiderman 2 and X-men so far - tomorrow morning it's X-men 2 and maybe later this week we'll toss in the Fantastic Four. I never thought we'd find a genre of movies that we both liked!

Right now there are women on Ninja Warrior. If I don't watch her, Princess will want to start training and ask for a trip to Japan for her next birthday!

It's THAT time again

Cheerleading - the bane of mothers everywhere. Well, not ALL mothers, but THIS mother in particular. I am scared of all things girlie. But Princess just loves all things pink and sparkly and giggly. So, there it is, I am about to be a cheer mom for the 2nd year in a row.

Sign up for Sideline cheer was tonight. I dropped a pretty penny to sign her up. And of course we had to have new sweats because she outgrew her sweatshirt and sweatpants from last year. And this year they had new gold warm up shorts instead of the black ones, so we HAD to have those. Then, of course, there was the 3 day cheerleading camp with the varsity cheerleaders in June. Princess did that last year and really enjoyed it, so we signed up to do that again.

Thankfully I'm a good actress and Princess has no clue that I loathe cheerleading. Well, maybe she's aware that it's not my favorite choice of activities for her. I may have let it slip that I'd rather she sign up for a hockey team - LOL. But she knows I'm behind her 100%, I even agreed to be an assistant coach if they need one. You have NO idea how painful that was for me!

Practice doesn't start until almost the end of August. It's only rocket football afterall, so we don't have to be perfect. This way I have all summer to warm up to the idea.

I'm almost hoping they will need me to help out as an assistant coach. It would be good experience for my future teaching career; spending time with snotty little girls and their annoying parents and doing it all with a smile on my face. I'm good. I can do it.

Breaking Bad Habits

Ah, the joys of motherhood. Although this time I guess I am as much to blame as the princess. We are in the midst of breaking a bad habit. And, of course, I am totally to blame. Just ask her, she'll tell you!

You see Princess has been sleeping in my bed. I didn't think much of this until we got back from our vacation in Florida. I set one of our suitcases on the end of her bed and wouldn't you know it, around came the middle of April and the dang suitcase was still on her bed! Then, somewhere in the back of my head a little alarm went off. I KNEW she was sleeping with me every night, but somehow I didn't KNOW she wasn't sleeping in her own bed. I know, it doesn't make much sense, but there it is.

One of the few perks of single parenting is when your 9 year old crawls into your queen sized bed with you, it's not quite as invasive as if there is another person already in that bed. So I let it go. It would seem I let it go for a really long time.

Down came the suitcase, and still no luck getting her back in her own bed. I guess since it's almost always just the two of us all day long, she figured she should be able to be in my room all night too. It's not even like she NEEDS to be in my room. She's not one of those kids who gets hysterical left alone in her room, she's not afraid of the dark. I don't know what it is.

From the time my kids were young I've always kept my eyes out for these "trappish" kind of things. They were never allowed to have pacifiers out of bed (or carseat when they were little!), I've always had it dark at night, took them in the shower with me, heck I never even cut the crust off their bread. I just figure if they get used to something one way when they are young, it's harder to break those habits when they are older.

I just don't know how I let this sleeping pattern get out of control....ah, but I have found a solution. I say this like it is a major accomplishment, and yet I know that if her wanting to sleep with me is the biggest of my worries, I am really a very lucky mom. But, I decided to force my hand and make her sleep in her own bed. I had her help me do some rearranging in my bedroom this weekend and in the process I set several large things on my bed. And then, darn, we ran out of time so....

Aren't I awful? She has been sleeping in her bed all week and I have been sleeping on the couch. Which is a bad habit for me because now I can fall asleep in front of the TV. Shame on me! My strategy is working though. She has fallen in love with her room all over again and I think on Friday I will move everything off my bed and see how it goes.

I'm looking forward to having that big bed all to myself!

Practically Mother's Day

Yes, it's practically Mother's Day. No, I don't like Mother's Day any better this year than I did last year (or any of the last 7 years since Josh died).

But I do like being a mother.

When I was younger, when I left home to join the Air Force almost twenty years ago, I never imagined I would be a mother. Honestly, I had no desire to have children and had it been my choice I would have never gotten pregnant. But, 1994 rolled around and despite the pill (which, you know, is what - 99% effective - leave it to me to be the odd one out) I found myself pregnant (and shocked!)

So, there you have it. The beginning of motherhood. It does not come that easily to all mothers. I truly believe that there are "mothers" out there that have not been blessed with children. Some of those have been able to create a family by adoption and others are left with empty arms, but they are certainly mothers at heart. What is it about a mother that is so different from any body else in the world?

I can't remember a time when my mother wasn't there for me when I needed her. And let's face it, a lot of times when I DON'T need her.....there she is. I know I shouldn't complain. I know there are plenty of people out there who got the short end of the mother stick and would love to have their mother in their business all the time. I know I'm lucky. My mom is great. My house was always the place my friends wanted to hang out on the weekends and after school. It wasn't because we had the nicest house or all the cool new gadgets. Money was always tight when I was little, but my mom always made our house great.

When I had children of my own, I know I fell back quickly on all the things I remember my mom doing for me. She was always there. I knew that if I could do nothing else for my kids, I would just be here...here to kiss boo-boos and praise successes, here to laugh over a bowl of cheerios and even over a grilled cheese sandwich (yup, you guessed it, I'm a gourmet cook!). I drive a 10-year old mini-van so that I have enough room to haul around friends and bikes and whatever the occassion calls for. I'm back in school so that I can carve out a career that allows me to continue to be here when it's time to leave for school, and come home and do homework. When I became a mother my life suddenly went from being about me, to being about everything BUT me. Dads seem to have a magic switch that Moms just don't have as standard equipment. Moms are ON 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Dad can be dad when he's home from work (and if he's a really good dad he helps out with late night feedings and scary dreams) but Dad can tune it out, turn it off, live in his own little world. Moms can't. Children become this all consuming job.

You can read every handbook out there and you are still completely unprepared for what being a mother really means. How can one event change a life so drastically?

Princess is 9. Although it has been "just the two of us" for 6 years now, we still have our special time of the day. Bedtime is mommy-daughter time and each night I wonder how much longer she will let me tuck her in. We talk about our days. I become the secret keeper as she giggles and tells me about the silly things she did with her friends at recess. We lay in the dark on her bed (well, whichever bed she decides she is sleeping in!) and talk until the clock hits bedtime. We pray for friends and family, we pray that God will soften our hearts and work through us to make our lives shine with His light. And I scratch her back. I would spend all day scratching her back if she had a say in the matter. But at bedtime she knows I will not protest when she tells me to just keep scratching for one more minute.

There are days when I wonder what my life would be like had I not had children. Where would I be living? Would I be as close with my parents? What kind of a job would I have? So many variables. One event that changes a life forever.

I am a good mother. I am NOT a good housekeeper. I am NOT organized. I am NOT a great cook (good, but not great). I am NOT perfect. I can already see mistakes I have made in my short years as a mother. But it's OK. I think despite my shortfalls, Princess will be well rounded enough to make a place for herself in this world.

Balancing Blogs

I don't know how other people do it. They seem to have enough interesting things to say and have a blog here, a blog there, and throw a MySpace page in there you've hit the trifecta. I haven't been interesting in a while. I've hit my "other blog" a little bit, but I need to find a direction.

I like this space. I like that I could (COULD if I knew how!) make it my own. Maybe in my sparetime this summer between working and schooling and mommying I'll teach myself how to write code and give this place a few splashes.

It would be a shame to let it go to waste.

I used to have opinions and topics to write about.

What happened?

It is possible that I need inspiration? Or maybe just a big bowl of ice cream. Yeah, that's it, Ice Cream the cure for all things that go wrong. Make it chocolate ice cream. Or maybe Strawberry cheese cake ice cream with hot fudge and whipped cream and nuts and a big cherry on top.

Princess doesn't like cherries - but she does love ice cream. With lots of sprinkles.

We made the perfect ice cream sundaes a few weekends ago. We used mint chocolate chip ice cream. That sounds good too, doesn't it? Princess prefers the whipped cream that you have to squeeze out of a can through a nozzle. I don't, but heck it basically all tastes the same so why not humor the kid. She loves to pour it right in her mouth and as she gets closer and closer to turning 10 all I can think is I don't ever want her to be one of those kids that huffs to get high.

But how do you know? How do you know if you child is going to be easily swayed into trying drugs of any kind. I am pretty sure she won't ever smoke. Her dad has pretty much ruined her for that. Which is at least one useful thing he has done for her. About the only one, but I guess I should take what I can get.

She's so desperate to please people. I worry that she will be easily dragged down a slippery slope of sex or drugs or some other vice. On the other hand she is stubborn and bossy and opinionated, so maybe that will serve her well.

I guess all I can do is just keep talking to her and love her and know that whatever happens it is in His hands and not mine.

Merry Christmas!

I do hate it when life gets in the way of my computer time.

The good news - I got a B! I'm so excited! Still hung over with exhaustion from all the work, and not quite sure how I pulled it off - but I'll take a B. The bad news, I have to take her again next year! OY! I'm not lookin' forward to that!

But, winter break has been good. I am working a lot of hours (well, a lot for me anyway). Princess had her last day of school last Tue and is off until the 3rd. I'm not sure about the rest of the country, but most of the school around here went right up through last Friday and have off until the 8th. It was nice having her home for a few days during the last minute Christmas rush. I had last Thursday off so we did out last minute shopping together.

We had a wonderful Christmas. Even though mom only lives a mile away, it's our tradition to sleep over at her house and open presents there in the morning. This works out well for me because I am such a Grinch! I used to love decorating for the holidays but the last few years I just have NO desire to do it. I didn't even put the tree up this year - now that's bad! Princess got a gift certificate to Build-a-Bear from Grandpa and one to Claire's from my brother. Guess there's a trip to the mall in my future this week (*ew*).

I've been gone so long it seems like I should have so much more to say.

Dad & I tried to go see Rocky on Sat morning, but the theater was too busy for our taste. We did see The Nativity Story a couple weeks ago. THAT was a great movie! I can't tell you how many times I cried. I felt like I was really getting a glimpse of what Mary & Joseph went through. I'm sure we can only imagine the hardships that they faced in that time and place. I loved how they portrayed the Wise Men. I know once it comes out on DVD Princess & I will have a few laughs over those Wise Men!

Santa brought me a Palm Pilot, which is just what I asked for. I also got jammies and gift certificates for the car was. Princess got the coolest new toy that I could find it's a Disney Mix Max You can use it like an MP3 player and listen to music or you can buy little cards (like the size of the memory card for your camera) that have movies on them! She's in love - it's so very pink. She also got a Tamagotchi from Grandma. Now there is one annoying toy. But, it seems that all the girls at school have one and modern technology allows you to connect to other tamagotchi's and play games. So, you see, she just HAD to have one! If that thing beeps at me one more time it's going to get hit with a hammer *evil chuckle*.

My schedule next semester is ugly again. Since I dropped 3 classes last semester I have to make them up this time around. Of course 2 of the ones that I need to take are both offered at 10 MWF. Figures. And there are only 2 sections of each class and the other sections of both totally throw off my schedule! For the most part it's not too bad. I am in class MWF from 9-noon and then I can work Tue & Thur. But then I have to be back in class T & Th from 4-5:15. I guess it's not as bad as this semester being in class from 5-7 was crappy! The 3rd class that I dropped is looking hopeless. It's not offered at a decent time at the community college next semester OR this summer. My only hope is that when the summer schedule comes out for the University that it will be offered.

I have to go out this week and get my Statistics book. YUCK! I cannot tell you how much I am not looking forward to taking Statistics.

Since it's Christmas, I shouldn't end this post by complaining!

Merry Christmas to all of you. May God bless you and shower you with the gentle peace that you can only find in Him.

The greatest of these...

So, the sermon yesterday was incredible. It was a topic that was near and dear to my heart. Mostly because it is one I struggle with.

The pastor was reflecting on a couple of verses in Matthew. Specifically Matthew 22:37-39, which says "...'YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND. This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'"

I've been reflecting on my own favorite question, "can the world tell what I believe or that I believe or ANYTHING about me by the way I act?" or maybe "what does the world think of me based on the way I act?" I'm not sure which answer is scarier. And I guess my favorite local D.J. must have been wondering the same thing lately because every morning last week the banter between songs seemed to include little messages like "the stores are crowded today so if you're heading out remember that you are a child of God and your actions should reflect that".

Which got me to thinking about all the opportunities that I miss out on to simply be nice. Oh, now, don't get me wrong. I'm basically a nice person. I'm the mom the teacher calls when she needs something. I'm the one who brings snacks to college when we're overloaded with homework and I can tell everybody needs a break. I don't let traffic get to me (not like there's a TON of traffic in West Michigan).

Anyway, so back to the sermon. I was listening as the pastor talked about how once we loved people (and I mean REALLY love people) the rest of the commandments fall into line. And that totally makes sense. But, it's not as easy as it sounds. Is it?

And then he pulled out the kicker. He quoted from an article written by a self-professed atheist - an article which extolled the virtues of charity. Yup, charity. The article speaks to the aftermath of Hurrican Katrina. It's from 2005, but as I search the internet I find references to the tens of thousands of volunteers who have travelled to the gulf coast. I know churches from West Michigan are still sending relief teams to lend a hand. All this as 2006 draws to an end.

So, if you're looking for proof that simply loving your neighbor can make a difference, I encourage you to go and read the article. See for yourself how love shines above all other things.

Article -

Faith Does Breed Charity

Silence is Golden

So...

the presentation was not great. It was OK, just not great. Some of them were REALLY (and I mean REALLY) good. Ours was just OK. But, it's over and done with and the content was there, so I think our grade will be decent.

Friday night I took Princess to see the Cheetah Girls. It was 2 1/2 hours away, and as luck would have it. She got sick on the way down. Joy. Her friend (and her friend's mom) were really great and didn't complain about our couple delays. It did end up working perfectly. We walked into the venue just as the warm up act was singing. So, we didn't miss any of Vanessa Anne Hudgins or Cheetah Girls. Our seats were good, the venue was a performance hall, not an arena, so there wasn't really a bad seat in the house, but ours was the last row before an aisle so we could step over the back of our seats to get out. And let me just tell you we NEEDED to get out! The place was not air conditioned (can you even imagine!). So, 4,000+ people in a hot room with a sick 9 year old. It was a lovely evening. We were seated near the main entrance so when we stepped out to the lobby there was lots of fresh air from the freezing outside. That seemed to make her feel a little better and we could hear the music from out there. She did make it through most of the concert, and maybe the last 1/4th we were out of the theater. She kept peaking in just to see what they were wearing. For the amount of times they changed their clothes they could have sang six more songs - ROFL. I was amazed at how many WHOLE families were there. I figured there would be lots of "one mom with a couple of girls" kind of thing, especially considering the price of the tickets. There were even a few poor brothers in the lot who you can tell were DRAGGED kicking and screaming! Poor kids. But anyway, Princess fell asleep quickly on the ride home so at least that was peaceful.

And then she was sick all weekend. But the fun doesn't end there. Her great-grandma (her dad's grandma) died on Saturday. So, he picked her up tonight to take her to the funeral (an hour away) tomorrow. Of course, she came home sick from school today - so good luck to him with that one. Hopefully by morning she'll feel better. HOPEFULLY

Did I mention her dad picked her up? This means I am sitting in an empty (quiet) house. Avoiding writing yet another paper. Eating Oreo's (no NOT double stuff - EW). Drinking Pepsi. Watching some stupid show on TV.

It's heaven.

Yikes!

I have a huge presentation tonight. It's worth a fifth of my grade, and while I'm not usually nervous about these presentations - this one is a group thing and the two people that I am working with are so much smarter than me! Which I guess is a great thing, I'm just not used to being the slow one in a group!

I've made my contributions - thankfully neither of them can do powerpoint so I got the honor of putting that together. At least I feel like I've done SOMETHING!

Of course the weather this week has decided to thaw out so my allergies have kicked back in. Last night I was up at 1, and then again at 4. Of course at 4 I couldn't get back to sleep and the last I remember looking at the clock it was 6:20 (and of course the alarm goes off at 6:50 to get Princess up and ready for school!)

Now my voice is crackling and I have an awful feeling that even if I keep my mouth shut all day I'm still not going to be able to talk much tonight. Perfect day to get no sleep and lose my voice!

Ah well, it will all work out in the end!

Another Poll

I logged onto AOL (yeah, yeah, don't even get me started. In my defense I've been using AOL since 1989 and heck - it's just a hard habit to break! I do use it less and less as the days go by, but I guess I'm just addicted to being spoon fed....Anyway!)

I logged on the other day and on the main welcome page there was a headline that went something like "President Bush says we're winning in Iraq. Tell us what you think" With a link to a page where they took a poll asking if I thought we were winning in Iraq.

Crap like this REALLY pisses me off. The media have somehow lulled us in the past 20 years into thinking we have all the facts. And that based on what we see on TV (and the few people who bother to read the newspaper) we are qualifed to make judgements on ANYTHING! Nevermind that most people can't name their Senators or Representatives in Congress - let alone find Iraq on a map!! But hell yeah, let's just change our foreign policy based on a poll of people who are getting their information from the American media. Gee, that sounds like a really great plan to me.

And speaking of the media. The Gubernatorial race here in Michigan is making me SICK to my stomach. The ads both sides are running are so obviously full of half truths, I can't bring myself to vote for either of them. On top of that (and the one that REALLY pisses me off) is our current Democratic governor has taken to running a horrid commercial about her stand on abortion, verses that of her opponent. Not even taking into account that the ad makes me want to run out and vote for the Republican, what gets me is this... Since when does the Governor have any control over the availability of abortions in Michigan? Seriously? What point does this ad serve other than to try and get stupid people to change their opinions based on some perceived injustice?

I guess it mostly angers me that the American public is content with being so ignorant of what is going on around them. I'd like to run an experiment and get an advertising campaign going on a national network. Something stupid like "profits from snow shovels linked to terrorism" and see if we can get everybody in the north to stop buying shovels to shovel their driveways. Or maybe "eating marshmallows linked to weight loss" - maybe we could get marshmallow sales up!

What I didn't do

I didn't do the homework I should have done today (as usual, there is always tomorrow *sigh*)

What DID I do today?

I went to see a movie with my dad.

Facing the Giants

All I can say is WOW.

I've seen the reviews, heard it was a low budget movie, where the preaching didn't come through as "preachy" or rehearsed as most low budget "God movies".

I wasn't prepared for how relevant the movie was...at least for me.

I've said it before, but it seems that saying it out loud enough times isn't helping me get the point. I have become lazy in my faith. So lazy. I am failing my daughter in this respect and my parents are getting down right rude about it (which of course just makes me stay away from church all the more, 'cause you know, I'm acting like a child!)

Anyway, the movie...

Basically it was the story of a coach at a Christian High School in Georgia and his struggle with an average football team. Since they have nothing to lose, they decide to turn their team over to God and praise Him in losing - and if it is His will - winning. With his young wife, there are financial struggles, a car that never starts, a stove that stops working...and unforseen medical expenses when they start to investigate infertility problems.

OK, that's not the best synopsis ever, but you get the point.

I won't ruin the story for you, but let me say what caught my breath was the way that God answered some of the prayers of the characters in this story. Having watched my child die, I guess I am used to being on the "losing" end of the prayer thing. Which isn't to say that I haven't seen Him perform miracles in the lives of other children with cancer. And these miracles did not always go to God-fearing families who were spending hours on their knees. It is enough for me to know that His way is higher than mine, and that I need not know why He does what He does. But, it's also easy to forget that there are miracles out there. There are so many challenges in my life that I forget to give over ownership of all the crap. It's easier to hold onto it, easier to do it all myself. But His glory will not thrive in my life is I continue to close off rooms in my heart.

The story that they told in the film went something like this "Two farmers were watching their crops die because it had not rained. Both prayed for rain. But only one farmer was preparing his fields for the rain, while the other continued to pray. Which one do you think really believed that God could send the rain?"

And which kind of farmer do I want to be? Am I preparing my life to bloom where it is planted? Not most days. Most days I am trying desperately to dig my life up and plant it someplace else. Someplace better. Someplace with fewer challenges. Someplace easier.

Did Job replant himself when God allowed his trials to descend upon him? I think not! (and lets face it, I'm definately no Job)

And then the movie ended with one of my favorite Casting Crowns songs

"Voice of Truth"

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

..........

So I guess I'm going to resolve to let Him take my hand, because I cannot (CANNOT) do this myself.

Writing

I haven't been writing lately.

Oh, I've been blogging...but for the most part I don't feel like I've been writing. Not the creative, lay your feelings on the line kind of writing. Nothing has pushed it's way to the front of my brain for a long time. At least nothing screaming "Write me! Write me!"

It's silly, really it is. I feel sort of lost without this passion. I love to write and the fact that I haven't felt like it lately has contributed a large part to the funk that I've been feeling. It's not the sort of thing you can force yourself to do. Well, I can't anyway. I want it to come back. Or maybe I just want it to come back so I can feel like I'm on the upswing of whatever this cloud is.

Starting next week I'm back to working 3 days a week for a few hours. Maybe something to fill my days will help my brain get back on track. Maybe... I don't know.

Life without passion is very dull indeed. I suppose I should be thankful for these mundane, boring times in my life. But in the end I want to find my way back to a me that I used to be. Then again, is that a good thing to wish for? Should I be trying to work forward and create some new version of me instead of trying to put pieces back together to create an old me - a me that I was comfortbable with and understood.

It's all so frustrating! Being the patient person that I am (NOT!) I'm just going to have to ride this out and see where I end up.