Saturday, November 10, 2007

Where did "I" go?

I'm sure every mother asks herself that questions at one point or another (perhaps many, many times over?)

"Just where did I go?"

Maybe that's part of my funk lately. Sometimes I feel like this never ending mommy train that I'm on has just hijacked my life and I'm searching for part of me that I fear I will never get back. Is that possible? If I crunch the numbers I find 10 years between the time I graduated from high school and had my first child. That's 10 grown up years sans children. (ah, those were the days!) Now it's been 12 years since I added the title mommy to my resume. That means more adult years spent in the mommy camp.

Being back in college full-time I find myself having most of my daily conversations with classmates who are...well, let's just say I'm old enough to be their mother. (And how did I get THAT old?!) There are days when I hear myself talking and every other sentence out of my mouth has something to do with Princess. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but does it mean that I have lost the part of myself that I find interesting? I'm hoping it's just a combination of the fact that I adore her so much AND the fact that I spend most of my time with of course I'm going to talk about her.


I don't know. Sometimes it just feels like I'm drowning in this whole mommy gig. Not completely in a bad way. I think it's OK that part of me has grown into a mom. Just who was I before I had kids, anyway? Do I want that old me back? Why do I worry that part of me is gone if it's a part of me that I don't really need back? So many questions that need answers. Or do they really need answers?

I know I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I hardly recognized myself. Somehow I have suddenly started to look old. This revelation made me wonder if I will be single forever. Not sure why my mind went there but it did. And not wanting to dwell on that question - my mind then moved on to the whole mommy dilemma. I have more answers for that part of my life than I do for the relationship part. Most days I am content for it to be just Princess and me. Probably due to the fact that I have made poor, poor choices in my past relationships. I barely have time for school in my life, and adding a man to that mix would force me to make choices I am not ready to make. It's all complicated and jumbled in my head.

Is it just the "grass is always greener"? When I lay out all my cards at the end of the day there is no place I would rather be. Right here, right now, this is where I am meant to be and most of the time I am happy to say that this is where I am.


Astaryth said...

I don't think this is just a 'mommy' thing. I sometimes find myself looking around and going, "How did I get here?" also.

Anytime you start making decisions based on other people (be they husband/boyfriend, child, or anyone else) and not just your own desires, you find yourself someplace you might not have chosen if you were on your own. Sometimes the decision is based on mutual desires, sometimes they are based on what is good for the 'other' person involved at that point in time, but ultimately we find ourselves living with a decision we might not have made in another scenario. We just have to look around, maybe sigh a little, and remember WHY we made the decision and realize that it was (well, at least probably) the best decision all around.

Hang in there kid! {{{Hugs}}}}

EL-EM-ES said...

Great entry! But as people have said (mostly women).. You are a mother, wife (in some cases), daughter, friend.. but most of all.. you're a woman.
You must take care of yourself, before taking care of others. It's healthier AND you'll be more content.


Emily said...

I hear you. I don't think the women we were before we had children will ever surface again. Too much time has passed, our hearts have been broken and filled to the bursting point with joy too many times for that. We are better for having loved our children, that's for certain. But there is something sacred about seeing YOURSELF again, if even for a fleeting moment, isn't there?

Christy said...

I think every mom asks herself this at least once while in the midst of raising our children. What it comes down to though for *me* is, am I following God's plan for my life? Am I submitting to his will? Is the life before my kids the life I was actually living for God or is it now as a Mom, wife, etc.

You're an awesome mom without a doubt, but you're also an awesome friend. I see you as a co-mom obviously, but just the friendship you give me is such a blessing and that speaks to the heart of who you are I think.

Oh and we won't even go there on the whole relationship/men thing. Finish school first!!