Sunday, October 22, 2006

What I didn't do

I didn't do the homework I should have done today (as usual, there is always tomorrow *sigh*)

What DID I do today?

I went to see a movie with my dad.

Facing the Giants

All I can say is WOW.

I've seen the reviews, heard it was a low budget movie, where the preaching didn't come through as "preachy" or rehearsed as most low budget "God movies".

I wasn't prepared for how relevant the movie least for me.

I've said it before, but it seems that saying it out loud enough times isn't helping me get the point. I have become lazy in my faith. So lazy. I am failing my daughter in this respect and my parents are getting down right rude about it (which of course just makes me stay away from church all the more, 'cause you know, I'm acting like a child!)

Anyway, the movie...

Basically it was the story of a coach at a Christian High School in Georgia and his struggle with an average football team. Since they have nothing to lose, they decide to turn their team over to God and praise Him in losing - and if it is His will - winning. With his young wife, there are financial struggles, a car that never starts, a stove that stops working...and unforseen medical expenses when they start to investigate infertility problems.

OK, that's not the best synopsis ever, but you get the point.

I won't ruin the story for you, but let me say what caught my breath was the way that God answered some of the prayers of the characters in this story. Having watched my child die, I guess I am used to being on the "losing" end of the prayer thing. Which isn't to say that I haven't seen Him perform miracles in the lives of other children with cancer. And these miracles did not always go to God-fearing families who were spending hours on their knees. It is enough for me to know that His way is higher than mine, and that I need not know why He does what He does. But, it's also easy to forget that there are miracles out there. There are so many challenges in my life that I forget to give over ownership of all the crap. It's easier to hold onto it, easier to do it all myself. But His glory will not thrive in my life is I continue to close off rooms in my heart.

The story that they told in the film went something like this "Two farmers were watching their crops die because it had not rained. Both prayed for rain. But only one farmer was preparing his fields for the rain, while the other continued to pray. Which one do you think really believed that God could send the rain?"

And which kind of farmer do I want to be? Am I preparing my life to bloom where it is planted? Not most days. Most days I am trying desperately to dig my life up and plant it someplace else. Someplace better. Someplace with fewer challenges. Someplace easier.

Did Job replant himself when God allowed his trials to descend upon him? I think not! (and lets face it, I'm definately no Job)

And then the movie ended with one of my favorite Casting Crowns songs

"Voice of Truth"

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand


So I guess I'm going to resolve to let Him take my hand, because I cannot (CANNOT) do this myself.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


I haven't been writing lately.

Oh, I've been blogging...but for the most part I don't feel like I've been writing. Not the creative, lay your feelings on the line kind of writing. Nothing has pushed it's way to the front of my brain for a long time. At least nothing screaming "Write me! Write me!"

It's silly, really it is. I feel sort of lost without this passion. I love to write and the fact that I haven't felt like it lately has contributed a large part to the funk that I've been feeling. It's not the sort of thing you can force yourself to do. Well, I can't anyway. I want it to come back. Or maybe I just want it to come back so I can feel like I'm on the upswing of whatever this cloud is.

Starting next week I'm back to working 3 days a week for a few hours. Maybe something to fill my days will help my brain get back on track. Maybe... I don't know.

Life without passion is very dull indeed. I suppose I should be thankful for these mundane, boring times in my life. But in the end I want to find my way back to a me that I used to be. Then again, is that a good thing to wish for? Should I be trying to work forward and create some new version of me instead of trying to put pieces back together to create an old me - a me that I was comfortbable with and understood.

It's all so frustrating! Being the patient person that I am (NOT!) I'm just going to have to ride this out and see where I end up.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Mish Mash

Gosh, it's been a day!

For starters, I need to complain about the weather! Oh My Goodness! It's cold! We're setting record low "high" temps here in West Michigan and man, are my toes feeling it!

Next up a brief rant on the people I carpool with. Come to find out this week M-W one of the girls that I bring home after school was out of town with her parents. Do you think they bothered to tell me that I wouldn't need to pick her up? Or that I should pick her up Thursday? But, I handled it, because hey, she has 3 young kids and sometimes your brain just doesn't connect all the dots, you think you told somebody something and you didn't. It's an honest mistake. So, I go to get her Friday and her teacher says that dad was a chaperone on the field trip today and she went home with him. WHAT?!! Oh, but wait, it gets better. Turns out my mom hears through the grapevine that this sweet child is staying with her grandparents next week because mom & dad are out of town. Do you think anybody mentioned this to me?!!

It's just those little things that add up during the week and make you want to explode. Princess was home again this weekend, which meant another football game for mommy (did I mention how cold it is here?). So, being the smart mommy that I am - I headed over to Meijer and hit the hunting aisle and picked up toe and hand warmers. And not just for me & Princess, but for all 10 girls...because, hey, that's just the kind of nice mom that I am. While I was there I even found black fleece headbands on sale for 3 bucks so I bought them too. Figured if all the girls had them, the coach would have to let them wear something! While I'm leaving the store I get a call from the coach. She's in major stress mode, trying to get ready for a party Saturday afternoon and she checked the by-laws which say if the coach can't make it a parent can step in so could I please run the game....

Have I mentioned yet that the game was 1/2 north of here and it started at 8:30 which means the cheerleaders needed to show up by 8? Oh, yeah, I was stinkin' thrilled. But, since I was going to be there anyway, I told her I'd be happy to. Don't worry about it, I said, we'll be fine! What was I thinking? It was like every parent there had it in for us. Nobody was on time. Sure, it was out of town so there were some who got a little lost, but some of us managed to give ourselves extra time knowing we were venturing into uncharted territory. I feel a little bad now because I grumbled a little more than I probably should have to a couple of other moms. But, in my defense it was 8 in the morning and it was 35 degrees out! One of the dad's popped off with a comment about how he was going to call the rocket football league because he was tired of our coach. I hope he doesn't, I mean we only have one game left after all, why ruin it for the poor volunteer coaches who (I hope) are just doing the best they can. Even if they are annoying us!

Aside from the cold the game was fun, the girls did great. After the game we had carnival at Princess' school. We hung out there for a couple hours and then came back home for a peaceful afternoon. It was nice to just be able to spend time with her - without anyplace we needed to be and anything we really needed to be doing.

Now, as not to spend all of my posts complaining...

I was thinking this week about something I had never thought about before. I went on a burger run earlier this week and picked up burgers and fries for lunch or dinner or something for me and mom & dad. And I thought, how great is it that with all the tastes of all the foods, our God created the midwest full of cows and tomatoes and potatoes. Because what goes better with a burger than catsup? How is it that lime trees grow down south? When we all know that nothing goes better with seafood then a great big slice of key lime pie for dessert? How amazing is it that our God loves us so much that he has provided these little pleasures for us. Things we take so for granted that we don't usually even think about them. He could have created a world where there was no pleasure in eating. Where there were no onions or mushrooms to put on our burgers. But He didn't. In the myriad of arguments against this world being created as an accident I would have to ask this one "What are the odds that so many plants on this planet are fit to be consumed by it's inhabitants?" If it were all truly an accident my bet would be that we would not have nearly as many wonderful things to eat!

Just a thought :-)

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


...if I'm annoyed, then you should be too!

Here's just a taste of how a good part of my day went (picture yourself in the mini-van driving to and from school with 5 children in the van with you)

Going to school...

This is the song that never ends.
Yes it goes on, and on my friend,
Some people, started singing it not knowing what it was,
And they'll continue singing it forever just because,
This is the song that never ends.
Yes it goes on, and on my friend, get the point.

So I get smart and on the way home I say "absolutely no one is singing the song we sang on the way to school this morning"

So I give you the ride home...

I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
Everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves. I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
And this is how it goes...
(Next verse, same as the first, it never gets better, it only gets worse.)
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,

Ah, I'm gonna have to shoot whoever taught them that second one 'cause when they left for school this morning, they only knew the one!

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Gone Fishin'

How I would love to just put a sign on my door "gone fishin'".

I've decided it's hopeless to try to finish 3 of my classes. The 3 that I am taking with the same professor. I know my limits and I need certain things to succeed and he is not givine me ANYTHING to work with! I'll just bite the bullet and withdraw from the classes - take them again next semester. I still have one class I can finish and hopefully the doctor's office will be able to find some hours for me - because you know those darn financial aid people are going to want their money back! I think I'm OK with the whole thing, but I hate being in this situation. This means classes again next summer. GRRRRR

It helps if I blame it on idiot (although it's sort of a stretch to go there). He's off camping again this weekend...and next...So that means less time for homework and more carting the princess around. Only 3 more games left though, I have to take her to at least 2 of those, which means mister "we'd love to take her to the games" will have taken her to a whopping two games total. Oh, well, 3 if we count the varsity game she got invited to from her cheer clinich this summer.

She's been complaining about her knee for a while now and the coach at the gym tonight said we should probably get it looked at - said he thinks it looks a little bit "crooked". UM? CROOKED? Not sure exactly what that means, but I figure it's probably not a good thing! I'm also fairly sure that a referral is going to mean a CT - and I'm just not sure...well I AM sure that I'm going to be totally panicked the whole time we are in radiology. I'm tired of my brain screaming cancer everytime my daughter doesn't feel good.

She also hasn't gotten up enough nerve to decide completely that she isn't going camping with idiot this weekend. She doesn't want to go - she wants to stay home and go to her game. She LOVES cheerleading (shhhhh! don't tell!). But you know, he's going to make her feel guilty and like she's letting him down. Of course, mention that he could stay home too and take her to the game? Heaven forbid!

We had fun with her home this weekend though. She ordered a "how to crochet" book with her last scholastic book order so this weekend she crocheted over a pony and it came out so cute! After cheerleading we went to see a movie with Sweetie and her mom and little brother. Over the Hedge was the Dove film this week. For the bargain price of $2 for adults and all kids free we packed into a movie theater with 500 other people and laughed our butts off. Now, Sweetie's little brother is only 6 (and acts younger than that) so I'm not sure it's the kind of movie I would have taken him to - but then again I wouldn't have taken him to see Harry Potter 4 or Pirate of the Carribbean 2 either, so I guess this one was tame by comparison.

I don't think I'm happy right now. I hate being on the verge of whatever this is.

I don't want to be this girl. The one slowly losing grip on reality. I want to be the together one. The one who knows what she wants, and somehow pulls it all together.

I wonder where she went?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Happy Birthday Princess

It's hard to believe she's 9 already...

But of course for every celebration there is the quiet tugging on my heart...

...what would he have been like when he was 9?

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Procrastinating (as usual)

Honestly, I have so much I SHOULD be doing right now! But, my brain just can't take it anymore. I have two (count them, one, TWO) tests tomorrow and I don't feel like I'm prepared for either of them. What I am prepared for is having to take some of these classes again next semester because I just don't feel like I'm "getting it" the first time around. We'll see, maybe in the next few weeks some magic switch will magically go on and it will all become clear!

It's been a busy weekend here. Idiot actually took Princess Friday night, which left plenty of time for me to do homework. She took part in a cheer clinic this summer that the Varsity girls ran as a fund raiser this summer. As part of her "graduation" she got invited to go cheer for the 1st quarter of a Varsity game - which happened to be last Friday. So, idiot picked her up about his usual 5:00 and then had to have her at the field by 6:15. On top of that she had her game Saturday morning for her junior cheer. They had to be at the field at 7:45! (so glad it wasn't me!) Plus it was an away game, 30 minute drive on top of having to be there so early.....really, REALLY glad it wasn't me! I am NOT a morning person! It was cold and rainy and her shoes are covered in mud, but she says they had a good time.

Go figure, she likes cheerleading so much she can't even complain about being out in the 50 degree rainy weather!

On top of all my homework we are gearing up for Princess' birthday. It's on Tuesday and it just seems like there is so much to do! She decided she wanted to make chocolate pretzels for her school treat (you buy the chocolate buttons by the bakers stuff and melt them and then dip the pretzels and then lay them out on wax paper to dry......which if you don't want to waste a lot of chocolate takes a while because you hand dip each pretzel. I'm thinking about going back to the store to get more chocolate and lining all the pretzels up and just pouring it over!!) She's going to be 9. I can hardly believe my baby is going to be NINE! We're taking a couple friends ice skating this afternoon. Then back to grandma's for birthday cake and to play for a few minutes. Of course we still need to be at her tumbling class by 6.

Maybe I can convince her not to go to tumbling tonight? I've got class til 7 tomorrow night so I really don't know when we are going to make pretzels!

We'll figure it out. I really don't need to sleep anyway, right?

And for those of you who have given up checking - the
National Geographic cam was up about 11:00(eastern) when I checked it. So, hang in there and just keep checking :-)