It is not even half way through the semester and I'm already in a funk. Not really about school, but I know the stress of the classes always has something to do with my moods. I'm feeling sorry for myself more than usual. Honestly I don't have anybody to blame but myself. I have managed over the past 10 years to all but turn myself into a hermit. I have let friendships slide away into oblivion. Nothing bad, just friends who got tired of me never returning their calls and eventually stopped calling. We still chat once in a while, but they are no longer the friends I can call up and say "hey, let's get together this weekend" or call in the middle of the night when I need to talk.
I guess most of it comes from the fact that given the choice I am not the kind of girl to call anybody up and say either of those things. Left to myself, I would rather be just that, left to myself. I like being alone. Not really "alone". I have wonderful women on the internet that I confide in almost daily and count them as friends. As I get older, as Princess gets older, I wonder if I will enjoy being alone so much when she is grown and moved on. Will I kick myself for cutting some of these women out of my life?
But, then I think....I have a new adventure ahead of me. As I look toward graduating and starting a new career I know I have a fresh start waiting. So, what kind of person do I want to be when I get there? Can I find a way to start letting people into my life?
It's hard. Especially since Josh died, it is just so hard. I feel like I need to "break-in" new friends and acquaintances because frankly most people just don't know how to behave when they find out my son is dead. And sometimes it is just more work than it is worth....especially considering the fact that I love being alone.
So, it's a vicious circle. I have chosen this road for myself, and yet I feel like part of me wants to build that part of my life again. Maybe I just like being alone because at heart I am a selfish person and can't be bothered with anybody else. Maybe I like being alone because over the course of my life the people that I am closest to have done nothing but disappoint and hurt me. I really don't know. Whatever the reason I am most content when I have the house to myself, the TV and computer on and I am doing absolutely nothing.
I can only hope it's because I'm a stressed out mommy/student and that as this status changes I will change to.
About Me
- Kelly
- I'm a single mom trying to make sense of it all. I recently went back to college full time. I am a math major, and eventually I will teach at a secondary level. I have two great kids! My son, Joshua died from a brain tumor when he was 5 years old, and my daughter is now in 9th grade.
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6 comments:
I understand what you mean about being alone. Sometimes I like to be alone, because there have been many people that have disappointed me. I think that when you're ready to come out, you will be out again.
And when you finally do find friends to stick with and they stick with you... that's worth keeping.
I also understand what you mean about being alone.
However, during some of the darkest times in my life, my friends were more than a support system--They were what kept me hanging on. Online & offline. Just make sure you always have a sounding board.
That does a world of good.
♥
I think I know what you mean. Since I've been in school I've let some friendships go without having a really good reason to do it. I just feel busy and self-absorbed. Maybe it's like this because as returning, non-traditional (don't you love that term) students we've kind of got our feet in both the real and the academic worlds. My outlook is optimistic, though. Then again, maybe I'm just nuts. :)
Kelly oh how similar we are at times, scary as that is. I love being alone, and need that alone time. If I don't get it, it's not good for me or my family. I am at times perfectly happy to have no contact other than my immediate family right here and then the internet. I can handle talking on the phone, but even that sometimes I could do without at least for a couple days. I find as strange as it sounds, more alone days during deployments than nondeployment time. It's just something I need. Some friends haven't been able to grasp that about me, and the friendships have ended because they need daily contact and that's just wow, it's draining on me!
You will always have me! :) Like it or not! LOL
Your post really spoke to me. I know exactly where you are coming from. I have a love-hate relationship with aloneness. I love it, I hate it, I fear it, I embrace it. I know it's unhealthy but I feel as if it's safe.
Um, I paused for a second there, because you kind of sound like me :).
I like being alone at times, but don't want to always be alone. We need that human contact to keep us happy, to keep us sane. but I admit that I am selfish, and that I want it on my terms. I can't have it my way though. I have to compromise.
I recently learned this from the advice my mother gave me. I'm going to try and fix this, I'm trying now. Like you though, I let some of my friendships slide into oblivion, and I want to try and get them back. I regret that, but now I think that I am ready to open up and make myself a little vulnerable again.
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