Practically Mother's Day

Yes, it's practically Mother's Day. No, I don't like Mother's Day any better this year than I did last year (or any of the last 7 years since Josh died).

But I do like being a mother.

When I was younger, when I left home to join the Air Force almost twenty years ago, I never imagined I would be a mother. Honestly, I had no desire to have children and had it been my choice I would have never gotten pregnant. But, 1994 rolled around and despite the pill (which, you know, is what - 99% effective - leave it to me to be the odd one out) I found myself pregnant (and shocked!)

So, there you have it. The beginning of motherhood. It does not come that easily to all mothers. I truly believe that there are "mothers" out there that have not been blessed with children. Some of those have been able to create a family by adoption and others are left with empty arms, but they are certainly mothers at heart. What is it about a mother that is so different from any body else in the world?

I can't remember a time when my mother wasn't there for me when I needed her. And let's face it, a lot of times when I DON'T need her.....there she is. I know I shouldn't complain. I know there are plenty of people out there who got the short end of the mother stick and would love to have their mother in their business all the time. I know I'm lucky. My mom is great. My house was always the place my friends wanted to hang out on the weekends and after school. It wasn't because we had the nicest house or all the cool new gadgets. Money was always tight when I was little, but my mom always made our house great.

When I had children of my own, I know I fell back quickly on all the things I remember my mom doing for me. She was always there. I knew that if I could do nothing else for my kids, I would just be here...here to kiss boo-boos and praise successes, here to laugh over a bowl of cheerios and even over a grilled cheese sandwich (yup, you guessed it, I'm a gourmet cook!). I drive a 10-year old mini-van so that I have enough room to haul around friends and bikes and whatever the occassion calls for. I'm back in school so that I can carve out a career that allows me to continue to be here when it's time to leave for school, and come home and do homework. When I became a mother my life suddenly went from being about me, to being about everything BUT me. Dads seem to have a magic switch that Moms just don't have as standard equipment. Moms are ON 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Dad can be dad when he's home from work (and if he's a really good dad he helps out with late night feedings and scary dreams) but Dad can tune it out, turn it off, live in his own little world. Moms can't. Children become this all consuming job.

You can read every handbook out there and you are still completely unprepared for what being a mother really means. How can one event change a life so drastically?

Princess is 9. Although it has been "just the two of us" for 6 years now, we still have our special time of the day. Bedtime is mommy-daughter time and each night I wonder how much longer she will let me tuck her in. We talk about our days. I become the secret keeper as she giggles and tells me about the silly things she did with her friends at recess. We lay in the dark on her bed (well, whichever bed she decides she is sleeping in!) and talk until the clock hits bedtime. We pray for friends and family, we pray that God will soften our hearts and work through us to make our lives shine with His light. And I scratch her back. I would spend all day scratching her back if she had a say in the matter. But at bedtime she knows I will not protest when she tells me to just keep scratching for one more minute.

There are days when I wonder what my life would be like had I not had children. Where would I be living? Would I be as close with my parents? What kind of a job would I have? So many variables. One event that changes a life forever.

I am a good mother. I am NOT a good housekeeper. I am NOT organized. I am NOT a great cook (good, but not great). I am NOT perfect. I can already see mistakes I have made in my short years as a mother. But it's OK. I think despite my shortfalls, Princess will be well rounded enough to make a place for herself in this world.