I guess we've all heard it; "when it rains it pours". I'm still off kilter from the events of my day yesterday and I'm not sure where to begin. I guess at the beginning. Before I went to the movie with my dad I finally got my entire "official" admissions package in the mail. This means that all the running around I have been doing is finally going to pay off. All those admissions clerks smiling and nodding at me, telling me that my GPA made my transfer all but automatically approved. Still, all that paperwork takes so long! But now I have it in my hands. I will find out shortly where I stand as far as classes and housing are concerned. It's scary! I'm ready to go back to school, but the thought of it is already beginning to make me a little uptight.
On top of that Mr. Right-Now has decided to mess with my head and fill me with hopes of a real relationship in the future. One of those things you hope for, that you are certain will never come true, and now he dangles these hopes in front of me. He says he understands my concerns, that he realizes he needs to make changes for our relationship to move forward. I don't want to get my hopes up. I am afraid of being disappointed, yet again, by a man that I trust. I feel that my trust is better placed this time. I feel that I have learned from my past, and yet I have thought these things before.
I don't know that I can face so many changes all at once. Although these changes in the relationship will come slow if they come at all, so perhaps I am worrying needlessly. I am just anxious to get settled into my new circumstances - whatever they may be.
Perhaps I just wish there were guarantees. Then again, don't we all. I feel like such a girl, dreaming of the fairy tale, the storybook life where everybody lives happily ever after. I try to kid myself and tell myself that I just want it for Princess, that I want to make a better life for her - but deep down I know I am being selfish. I know that I want to carve out a piece of happiness for myself. I want to think just for tonight that the fates are going to finally smile on me.
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6 comments:
I hope fate does smile on you. I want to go back to college myself, but I don't know if I could control my anxiety.
I REALLY hate men and no guarentees... congrats on the admissions thing... going back to school was very rewarding for me!
Jennifer
I don't know how, but Kel I know this will work out girl! You're one of the most intelligent women I've ever met! I love you. I love your heart.
Just a little note--from the girl who watched her VHS of EVER AFTER so many times she broke the tape--to say you deserve much happiness. It must be headed your way!
Hopes and fears, what two cruel words, eh? It sounds like you really are on top of it all. The uncertainty is natural. You'll be fine because you have yourself along for the journey.
Chris
http://inanethoughtsandinsaneramblings.blogspot.com/
http://www.bigoven.com/~swibirun
Kelly,
A million and one things are swimming in my mind just now, reading your words, your feelings.
All I can say is trust yourself to make the right choice. You deserve to have someone sharing your life with you.
Take it from someone who was once torn between giving up, and never giving up; the latter won out. Things will work out...if its meant to be it will happen.
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